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Being asked to be a part of a wedding party is a great honor but also can lead to uncertainty in the minds of those involved.
Today, many brides and grooms are keeping certain traditions intact, throwing others to the wind and creating their own definitions of wedding etiquette. Since some of the rules are not set in stone, members of the wedding party may not know exactly what is expected of them.
Sarah Thaller, a wedding planner and owner of Blossom Events in Bonita, Calif., reveals what it means to be an effective and well-mannered bridesmaid, groomsman, maid/matron of honor or best man today.
Q: Is the bridal party expected to buy wedding gifts for the bride and groom?
A: Generally, in terms of traditional etiquette, the bridal party is supposed to give gifts to the couple. But, it is now a case-specific thing. If you are young and/or just cannot afford all of the costs of being in the wedding, you should know the couple well enough to discuss it openly or to know whether or not they would be offended. It is always safe to chip in for something with the rest of the bridal party or to get the couple something personal that is inexpensive, like an art book or book of photography. You can never go wrong with a book. And on the same note, the bride and groom should know the members of their bridal party well enough to know if this is going to be an issue and should confront it by telling their bridal party not to worry and that they need not purchase a gift (especially if the dress or expenses for them are very costly).
Q: What is the maid/matron of honor responsible for when it comes to the bride?
A: Her main duties are to be the bridesmaid wrangler and personal secretary to the bride. She does a lot of the jobs that, if the bride had a wedding planner, the wedding planner would do. The maid/matron of honor organizes fittings, keeps the bridesmaids in line and organizes the flower girls. She has to sign the marriage license. Her job is to keep the bride calm, try to make her happy, try to keep things organized. But if there's a wedding coordinator, the maid of honor is lucky and she'll have a lot less to do.
Q: What is the best man responsible for when it comes to the groom?
A: The best man has to carry the rings. He also has to sign the license. He is also supposed to organize the fittings and the payments for the groomsmen. But, again, if there's a planner, he doesn't have to do those things. But he still needs to be there for moral support.
Q: Who should plan and pay for the bachelorette and bachelor parties?
A: Traditionally, the maid of honor and best man are in charge of planning it. I advise my couples to have all the bridesmaids, groomsmen and even friends who want to be involved chip in financially.
Q: If a bridesmaid can't afford to buy her dress or a groomsman can't afford to buy his tux, is it OK for her/him to ask the bride and groom to pay for the attire?
A: What I'd recommend is going to the bride and groom with the approach of, "I can't afford it so I'm assuming I can't be in the wedding." I would let the bride and groom know that you aren't going to feel bad if they can't help you pay for it. It's the way you say it. I think the best bet is to honestly say you can't afford it but that you'll be at the wedding as a guest. Then see what the bride and groom say.
Q: Who decides if the best man and maid/matron of honor are going to make speeches at the reception? Also, do you have any tips for coming up with a good speech?
A: It should be assumed that if you are a maid of honor or a groomsman, you are going to make a speech unless the bride and groom tell you otherwise. If the maid of honor really doesn't want to make a speech, I'm sure she could have someone else make it. But traditionally that's how it's done. But, again, my angle with wedding planning is people don't really have to do anything they don't want to do. If a bridesmaid or groomsman wants to make a speech, she/he can ask to do so. I advise people to keep the speeches short with a quick anecdote. Stay away from inside jokes because it's funny to the person telling the joke, but it is not funny to anyone else.
Q: Overall, what can the wedding party do to make the wedding day the least stressful and best it can be for the bride and groom?
A: Go back to the theme of "it's not about you." If they are stressed out, be as supportive as possible. No matter what, be completely optimistic even if it's storming. Whatever they need, get it. The entire bridal party should know the schedule for the day. Make the bride and groom a plate of food because they're not going to have a chance. It's the little things like making an emergency kit that make a difference. Granted, if the bride and groom have a planner, the wedding planner would usually do that.
Q: If there is no wedding planner and the maid/matron of honor has to bring an emergency kit, what are some examples of things that should be in it?
A: Breath mints, gum, some of the bride's makeup, clear nail polish, nail file, hair clips, water - not Gatorade because it's got sugar in it and it will coat the teeth and make the breath stink. With mints, have sugarless mints. Some other items are Shout wipes and chalk in case Shout wipes can't get a stain out. Backs of earrings are another thing to have. If the jewelry people are wearing is all coordinated and it's pretty cheap, I'd say get extra jewelry.
For more information about the wedding party, etiquette and other wedding-related topics, visit www.blossomevents.net.
SIDEBAR
Etiquette for wedding guests
Copley News Service
- Unless something goes terribly wrong (i.e. the bride's dress falls off), pretend you don't notice the small mishaps.
- If you don't know what casual, semiformal and formal mean, don't guess. Ask someone in the wedding party about the dress code.
- Dress weather appropriate.
- To reduce stress for the people who have to find a place to put gifts, do not bring a gift to the wedding. Deliver it or have it sent to the couple a few weeks ahead of time.
- R.S.V.P.! This seems so basic, but many guests forget this very important task.
- Don't bring a date unless the invitation specifically says "plus guest."
- If you don't like the food, keep it under wraps. Usually, couples put the food choices on the R.S.V.P. card. Choose what you like then, so you won't complain later. If none of the options appeals to you, eat a big meal ahead of time and be discreet about not eating much.
- Keep your "best" moves private. Unless you want to end up on the video clip that shows guests making fools of themselves, it is best to not do a flip or anything that could result in you, or any one else, getting hurt.
- Limit your alcohol intake (this goes for the bridal party, too). Drunken scenes at a wedding are not appropriate.
- Unless the couple has asked you to do so, do not wear white. It takes away from the bride and is considered rude by some.
- This day is about celebrating a couple's love. The wedding is not about you. Keep complaints, judgment and negative comments to yourself. If you don't like the person sitting on your right, talk to the person on your left. If you don't like either person, think pleasant thoughts and eat your cake.
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